To all England fans, I hereby issue a formal apology for dissecting and belittling your beloved team’s chances of winning Euro 2008. I did not have to throw you into emotional turmoil, reading how depressingly minute your team’s chances were of winning the tournament. Rejoice. You do not have to experience the agony of seeing them fail at the tournament proper. They would not even be there.
Congratulations to Steve McClaren. You are officially the worst England dud manager since Graham “ Tulip” Taylor. Fret not. While they sharpen their knives and drive the final nail in your coffin, you can start writing your resume. Seriously, it’s not that bad. Not too many managers can state categorically “ I failed to bring England to a major competition. Beat that.” Last I heard, Birmingham City is looking for a manger. You could add next season’s 1st division championship title to your impressive CV.
Congratulations to the Russian national team. Not only have you qualified for Euro 2008 but also you suddenly don’t look like absolute fools losing to the might Israel anymore. Plus, you get some coffee money from one certain Roman Abramovich. Top deal.
Finally, congratulations to the entire England team. You managed to surpass all my expectations and proved me wrong. Not only are you as inadequate as I painstakingly put you to be. Turns out, you are even worse. Three Lions. How about three pussies?
Disclaimer: I unreservedly apologize to all animal lovers, especially cat lovers. The above passage was meant to be purely metaphorical and in no way links cats to the losers that form the England national football team.
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